if there's one thing i swear by, it's baking soda.

so many things have happened in the past week and i’m exhausted.

i’m tired of explaining and defending myself and of trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life so i can be happy.

i’m currently unemployed. never been in this situation before now. and after a week, a small part of me is already silently screaming and pulling her hair out. but i still pretend everything’s okay. and that i know what to do.

a big part of me feels stupid. i try not to dwell too much on that though. during the past week, i drowned my emotions in alcohol and billowing clouds of smoke and laughter. a week later, my body’s started to punish me for the abuse i’ve subjected it to. so instead, i’m trying to cover it up with pitchers of tea and lots of music and whatever else.

i’m afraid to say aloud that a tiny part of me is in a state of sheer panic. i try to stay logical but it only works for a while. people’s fickleness don’t help either. mine, included.

i want to cry but tears won’t come.